This is about a woman who came to stay with me for five days. During that time she fell in love with me and confessed to me her deepest secrets, which I am not about to reveal here, but I did not fall in love with her. I mean, I liked her, but there were several problems.
First, she was yet another witch, and as those of you who have read a few of these know, my two wives were witches. They occupied a total of 18 years of my life, and although they were quite different people I have given up on witchcraft. Like all other faiths it only offers false hope of change, because magic works no better than prayer or wishful thinking. Second, she believed some really crazy stuff, even for a witch. Like this: fluoride is added to the water supply not to make our teeth cavity resistant but to make us stupider and more easily controlled. By who? Why, the Big Bad Government, who apparently, through Republican and Democratic administrations alike, want us to be dumbed-down and docile. Removing fluoride entirely from her life, she said, gave her telekinetic powers! I am not making this up.
Third, there was her figure, which was rotund and pretty grossly overweight, for her height. I never thought I’d fall for someone like that, but I did, which I think was an indication of just how desperate I was not only for sex but just for some affection, let alone love. Fourth, there was the sex. Anything seemed to set her off; she had an orgasm just from me playing with her nipples at one point. But the sex for me sucked, I couldn’t climax. What that means to me is, on some level we were not connecting; something wasn’t right.
Fifth, there was the intensity of her adulation. After sleeping with me for three days she posted me as her “soulmate” on FB when I could never reciprocate those feelings. I wanted to like this woman, I really did, crap, I wanted to love her but I just didn’t. Finally, there was her cooking, which although delicious was all Southern-inspired, loaded with bacon grease and butter. At one point, she used a whole stick of butter to fry a breast of chicken. If I ate like that all the time, I’d weigh 300 lbs. And as she said, “I’ve got to have my meat.”
When I realized I couldn’t feel the same way about her that she did about me, I grew depressed and wary. The last thing I needed was a big scene. Fortunately, it never came. She was moving to Tennessee, and after five days it was all over. I called her a few times but finally had to admit to myself that I was just fooling myself, and her. So I called her up last night to try to tell her, as honestly but as gently as possible, that it was over, only to find she had already reached that conclusion herself – smart woman! – and left me a private message about it on FB.
Nevertheless, I feel kind of sad.
So goodbye, Witch Hazel (not her real name). I wish you only well. Sorry things didn’t work out, maybe better luck next time. Maybe in Tennessee you’ll find somebody who can appreciate you more than I did. I hope so.